The Godly Rebel

16/01/2026 💔

A day which just seemed to get worse and worse.

The feelings I experienced? I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

I thought it would never end.

The shame.

The guilt.

The sadness.

It went on and on.

This day symbolised as a wake up call to fully step into the purpose that God has assigned over my life – as being half in and half out was not serving me.

I won’t go into fine details of what triggered my breakdown.

But past trauma

AND

having counselling which revealed raw open wounds, which were neglected for years.

AND

PMDD 

Oh… AND

The fact that I had sat awake all night completing an assignment, then rolling into work the very same morning on NO sleep.

Literally no sleep! Not used as a metaphor, or as an exaggeration. Literally zero hours and minutes of sleep. 😲

I scraped through the day somehow. Which could’ve only been by God’s loving grace 🤍

I took myself home after the most horrendous day at work, and the sound of silence filled the four walls.

Being at home, in solitude– especially after masking all day at work where I could be myself, was soo freeing.

But not in a relaxing way – in a, ‘there’s nobody around to stop you from spiralling, so spiral to your heart’s content’ way.

The only way I can describe it, is that feeling of pressure, when you’re in the depths of labour.

Metaphorically speaking, it was as if I was birthing a spiritual and emotional breakthrough!

I let myself feel everything.
I cried.
I sat in it.
I didn’t rush to fix it.
At one point…
my thoughts were so loud
I wrote them all over my skin…
just to get them out of my head.

I won’t lie…The words weren’t pretty.

And neither were the thoughts that raced in my mind.

On that day, I wasn’t okay.
And for once… I didn’t pretend to be.💔

To this day, I still thank God for my husband for holding my hand and guiding me through the storm– speaking words of affirmation over my life, and staying by my side until I was able to see the silver lining on the clouds ☁️

I melted when he gently washed the black ink of my skin, and carried me out of the bath tub into our bedroom, where he lovingly lotioned my body.

And girlllll… When I tell you he cooked us the most delicious King Prawn pepper soup – which was absolutely chef’s kiss 😍

That pepper soup definitely had some healing properties – because after one spoonful of that medicinal elixir, all my worries disappeared 😅

Nobody can tell me that my man wasn’t handpicked and delivered to me by God, Himself 🥹

Each day he gives me another reason to love him even more. Ain’t nobody got my back like he does. The realest one on my team 🤍

He thought he was just holding me. But honestly– he saved me. 👩🏽‍🤝‍👨🏿

(I’m not ugly crying, you are😭)

Take this as a loving reminder that wherever you are in your journey, no matter what dark tunnel you find yourself stuck in, God will lead you into the light if you allow him to.

And he will use those around you, for his glory. 🙏🏽

---

Fast forward to Sunday 18th January 2026, two days after what could’ve been the start of a full on mental breakdown.

I am watching the online church service – I usually attend in person but I just wanted to praise God in the comfort of my home, surrounded by those I love.

I feel this compelling urge to write a reflection about my struggles over the past couple of days whilst addressing my own self-perception, highlighting my triggers and flaws, but instead of optimism– I am filled with the dreaded doubt.

Doubts that I may be oversharing with people who may not fully understand me.

And what happened next was crazy!

Whilst watching the church service, the pastor said something along the lines of “most people are private, but imagine how easier life would be if we shared more and showed more vulnerability– whilst letting others know of our true feelings and intentions.”

The signs were signing today Lorddd😅

And that sign was all I needed to hear to encourage me to write from the mind, heart and soul, and not from the ego.

Every Sunday at church, I kid you not but the message is always super spot on. And then God gives me a lil wink 😉 as if to say, “I told pastor to dedicate today’s service to you.”

HONESTLYYYY

I could be talking about having a full English for breakfast, and next minute the pastor preaches about scrambled eggs vs fried eggs 😶🍳

Maybe one day I will share my full testimony.

But if I do not find the courage to share, then you’re just gonna have to wait until judgement day.

You watching my life unfold.

Whilst I watch yours 👀🍿

😶‍🌫️🫣😬